Strongroom v Exiles, Highgate Woods 31 May 1997

I will keep this report as brief as possible so as not to bring this web page and the sacred game of cricket into disrepute. However, the Exiles won and The Strongroom lost, inspite of the most blatant cheating I have ever witnessed on a cricket field. If I ever play cricket against this ill-led bunch of charlatans ever again it will be on a wet wicket in Hell!
When a set of stumps were found, at 3.15pm, Tony Brook won the toss with his lucky Peseta coin and decided to bat, he then justified the decision by top-scoring with 43 in an opening partnership of 64 with Keith Marchbank (15). Wides were in abundance and the Strongroom fielding was risible, Tony benefiting from four overthrows that went through the keepers hands. Dave Middle was unlucky to be given out caught off a ball that the silly mid-off had dropped then scooped on the half volley to the keeper who claimed it. The girls on the bench at square-leg confirmed Dave's opinion that the ball had bounced. Perhaps the unluckiest of his clutch of three ducks in a row, but things are looking up, he did manage to lay bat on both the balls he faced this week! Wayne Holder managed a few elegant strokes, John Morgan carved effectively before falling lbw and Andy Brook's 23 not out was timely, and shows this injured warrior is on the mend from his knee surgery, although he is not as keen on the quick single as Waseem Khan thought, who was stranded midfield to be run out on one. Younger brother Naem hit three consecutive fours from his first three deliveries near the death before falling to the fifth to be out for 14 runs that would prove crucial as would Garry Heaton's last ball six that brought the Exiles' total to 160 off the 35 overs available.
When Strongroom batted Paul Shorrock was lucky to have a decision given in his favour when the opener clearly gloved one to John Morgan behind the stumps but didn't want to leave and the umpire was reluctant to give him but eventually did when the Exiles gave their best jaw-dropping stares of disbelief. After that you had to shatter the timbers to have any hope of a dismissal when the pachyderm Richard Boote took over as "Umpire". Captain and minor felon Adrian was the main beneficairy, declining to walk when clearly caught at the wicket off Naem. This brought Sir James Goldsmith type eye-buging chanting of "Walk...walk...walk..." from an apoplectic John Morgan. Naem has never been in a Strongroom fixture so all his coolness as a Doctor was needed to prevent him being hauled before a discipinary meeting with the BMA for unauthorised surgical methods involving a cricket stump. Adrian wangled his way to a 50 that was universally unapplauded by the Exiles, the first time I have ever seen that happen! A run out that even in a world cup final would not have needed a video replay was turned down, and in between wides and no balls were called for no other reason than that the Strongroom were behind the rate. Adrian was finally extracted by Wayne, clean bowled to ironic shouts of "HOWZAT?". Wayne was the pick of the bowlers on the day, swinging it about in the wind on the dead wicket. After that the Strongroom batting was beyond the help of friendly umpires and the stumps were splayed a few more times as the final over came round with fourteen runs needed. Only three were managed, Exiles win, Strongroom lose, Good triumphs over Evil, and both teams are looking at a hole in their fixture list next season. The hope is to pay for two neutral umpires for the June 22 rematch, fortunately I will be out of the country by then and will never have to witness such apalling scenes again.

Next week: proper cricket against the Occasionals, who play hard but fair, and who we intend to beat for the first time ever, now that our team spirit has been forged in the righteous anger of a Strogroom fixture, and the Brooks are amongst the runs again!

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